Kafgay and Linku do a thing!
by Satan's Spiky Thong
Summary: This is exactly how the Kafei and Anju quest goes. I swear. Best quest line ever. Rated M for sexual themes.


"Well? What's with the look, kid? Aren't you going to say something?"

Link _wanted _to say something; he _wanted_ to ask the billion-and-one questions that had just clouded his mind, but he didn't know where to begin. After asking nearly everybody in Clock Town if they'd seen poor 'ol Anju's runaway fiancée, he really didn't even have the strength to act all that shocked. Instead, he stood dumbfounded by what he had just learned.

This _child _couldn't possibly be Kafei. They were looking for an adult, right? Was Anju some kind of cougar or what?

"I guess we expected someone…taller," Tatl opened her big, fat, stupid mouth before Link could even get a word in.

"Funny," Kafei, now unmasked, glared at the fairy. His crimson eyes held an unusual maturity in them for someone his apparent age. "That Skull Kid did this. He's been messing with a lot of things lately, but this is taking it too far. He's ruined my marriage! Just look at me! Anju won't want to marry a mere child!" He cleared his throat, then added, "No offense, of course."

Tatl was about to chime in again when Link shoved past her words, "So you really are Kafei, then?"

"Duh, who else has purple fucking hair in Clock Town?" The other boy seated himself at the desk near the foot of his bed. It was a cozy little place, the Laundry Pool House. But kind of cramped.

Tatl, completely left out of the conversation now, muttered something like "Mayor Dotour", but no one was listening to her, anymore.

Link pressed on, "Then why use the Keaton Mask if your purple-fucking-hair still shows?"

"Because," Kafei picked up said mask off the desk and stroked one of the fox's ears slowly, "Me and Anju always did this roleplay thing in bed where-"

"Okay, never mind that, then. But if Anju truly loves you, and you love her, why hide at all? I'm pretty sure she would understand. Skull Kid's been fucking up more shit than just your marriage while you've been playing hermit."

"You think I'm just hiding? Look behind you. There's a peephole. The guy who stole my wedding mask does business with the black market. I can't return to Anju until I get my mask back. You understand?"

A tense silence filled the air. It was one of those moments where you would think that the silent agreement occurred between the two characters, but…

"No."

"Ugh, I can't believe you! Wait, yes I can. You're too young to understand. And I mean it offensively this time." In his frustration, Kafei tossed the Keaton Mask, which hit Tatl and sent her spiraling down the Laundry House stairs.

"El oh el, score! I'll give that a 10." Link held up his hand for his new bro, Kafei, to give him a high-five, but his homie just wasn't feeling it.

"Wow, you are truly fifty shades of fucking stupid."

"I think you're just sexually frustrated, like that moon everyone's been saying will fall in three days. You know, we can totally make this fanfiction a shotacon dealio, if you want. Excuse the breaking of the fourth wall."

And then Link made awkward sexual advances toward Kafei, who resisted by pushing the boy onto his own bed. Not that this choice of action made anything less awkward.

"Whateverz," Link sighed and stretched out on the bed.

"So, wait, what about this sexually frustrated moon? Is it really going to fall? Do you know?" Kafei did his best to change the topic.

"Yup. Totally Skull Kid's doing, too. Who else?"

There was a brief pause where no one had anything else to say, then Tatl appeared at the top of the stairs again with her wings all in a tangle.

"What the fuck? Nice shot, eggplant," she ranted and nobody cared.

"I still think we should just tell Anju. I mean, if you really only have three days before the sexually frustrated moon smashes all of Termina…" Link shrugged his shoulders, easing back toward the topic Kafei was avoiding.

"Ugh, fine, whatever. Wot-ev-ur."

And so they traveled to the Stock Pot Inn!

.:::.

_**One quick adventure later…**_

"I don't get why you have to wear the mask…" The two boys and their mangled fairy companion strode into the Stock Pot Inn like it was just whatever.

"Because I don't want to draw attention to myself," Kafei spoke as he approached the empty reception desk. It was pretty damn cute to see him reach up over the desk and palm at the little bell that resided just within ringing distance.

"Yea…right…new kid in town wearing the Keaton mask isn't suspicious at all. I forgot." Link just stood at the door, watching his partner's efforts to get someone at the desk. Hopefully Anju.

"Ugh, hello? Heeelllooo?"

No one.

Link paced the lobby, then paused at the corner of the stairs and bottom corridor. "We should check the kitchen. Anju cooks for all the visitors, doesn't she? And with those circus freaks staying here, she'll have a lot of it to do, right?"

Kafei nodded and the two continued their adventurous adventure down the corridor.

Actually, not even halfway down did Link pause to peek into the nearest room. Which was actually the bathroom, a.k.a. the only room, aside from the kitchen, with no fucking door. Imagine that.

But he didn't stop for a bathroom break. Oooooh, no. It was the grotesque arm reaching up out of the toilet itself that caught his and Kafei's attention.

"P-p-p-paper, p-please…" A water-choked, gurgled voice echoed from down below.

The two boys exchanged glances.

"Paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaper…" It groaned again, fingers all wiggling.

And instead of giving the poor fool paper, which sat stacked just out of the mystery man's reach, Link pulled up his tunic and down on his leggings. To expose his most private regions.

"Trololololo," he chortled very uncharacteristically and shoved his dick into the hand.

"P-p-p-penis?"

Kafei just turned and left at this point, because who the fuck wants to stick around to watch toilet guy jerk off the Hero of Time?

Oh, right, those naughty readers.

So, okay, Kafei strides into the kitchen and…

"Anju! What the Hell?"

"Kafei?!"

And there his fiancée was, straddling the Goron mail guy on the bar, with her skirt ruffled up.

"Bitch, the wedding is _off_. This fanfiction is officially a shotacon."

And when Link came back from his jerky, Kafei attacked him with passion. They made out a little and then did the dirty doo, all in front of Anju and Goron mail guy.

Since Kafgay was already wearing his Keaton mask, he decided to do his kinky fox-spirit dance on Link's dick, too. It much resembled that homosexual Kamaro's dance. Except while riding the D.

And life was good.

Until the sexually frustrated moon came on down to the orgy party and pooped it.

But that, dearest friends, is actually how Kafei and Anju's quest line went. True story.


End file.
